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Can you ask the hard questions? In a kind way?

Updated: Jul 31

We live exciting and diverse lives full of joys and sorrows.


I have sometimes looked at those sorrows from the perspective of a victim. And asked questions like:

Why is this happening to me?

Am I being unfairly treated?

Am I being scapegoated?

Why do things work out this way?

It can feel like a black cloud of bad luck is following around the corner.


But having a victim mentality seldom sits well with me. I admit that life can throw curve balls that just can't be avoided. Some that just can't be predicted.

But the others usually rest solely on my decisions, actions, and reactions and my lack of planning.

Here are some things I actively catch in my own behaviors.


  1. I fail to prepare for the unexpected. Living life without a safety net can lead to being situationally unhappy.

  2. I make bad decisions when I am unable to defer gratification.

  3. I fail to plan for the long term.

  4. I don't think of the possible consequences to my actions.

  5. Blame others instead of myself.

  6. I ignore the effects of bad habits. Small actions, done consistently, over time.

The person I want to be is strong, compassionate and giving. Loving and content. All those good emotions. In order to be that person, I have to work every day to embody that ideal.


Keeping Myself Accountable by asking myself the hard questions.


  1. Am I being reactive?

  2. Am I acting with loving kindness?

  3. Am I making choices that are harmful to myself and others.

  4. Am I rationalizing my behavior?

  5. Am I responding to a need or a want?

  6. Am I working towards my goals?

It's sometimes difficult to be brutally honest and at the same time not succumb to self loathing.


Punishment is not my purpose in self examination.


So afterwards, I always end with a solution and affirmation.

Solutions like:

  1. How will I avoid this mistake in the future?

  2. What structure can I create to help me with those decisions?

  3. How best to control my reactivity. (Pause, breathe, shift perspective etc.)

  4. How can I learn from this event?

  5. How can I fix or mitigate this?


Next, I add an affirmation like: "I am always growing. I am getting better and better every day. I will continue to do better and be better. My mistakes and struggles are what make me better." Something like that.

So keep asking yourself the hard questions, and keep being kind to yourself especially when you uncover the occasional hard answers.




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